Snuggle Trek
by Akktri
Summary: Snuggle the Fabric Softener Bear tries to capture all known Star Trek characters and put them in a giant ball. Oh, and Marvel's Ghost Rider makes an appearance.


Space.  
The Final Frontier.  
This story is about a little white bear and his encounters with captain Kirk, Picard, and everyone in the entire Federation, including Romulans, Klingons, Cardassians, Kim Cardassian, Puerto Ricans, the guy from the beef commercials, and everything else Gene Roddenberry invented.

A long, squarish, aqua colored structure stood on the slope of a tall hill in San Francisco, sloshing water whenever the wind blew just right. Dolphins jumped gleefully in the air, but since the building was on an incline, their gleeful bodies splattered all over the pickups and economy cars in the parking lot.  
A short white bear strolled up the sidewalk along the front of this building, past the big sign reading Village People Memorial Aquarium.  
Google it if you don't believe there is such a place. Tickets cost $25 a head.  
Captivated by giant pictures of killer whales and barracudas and gay jellyfish, the bear walked past a cop, Indian, fireman and a clown, pushing through the glass doors.  
He entered a large blue room lined with giant round windows and plaques describing fish. A desk stood in the center.  
He wandered past the desk (which was too tall and busy for the clerk to notice him going by), wandering down the imitation marble floor beyond.  
One "window" off to the right of the room was actually nothing more than a hole with a shower curtain covering it.  
Its constant puffing and swelling drew Snuggle in with curiosity. His paw reached up to touch the gigantic bulge on the side of the plastic.  
"I wouldn't mess with that if I were you," said a rugged country voice. "That shower curtain is the only thing preventing five thousand gallons of aquarium water from flooding the room."  
Snuggle snatched his paw back, staring at the owner of the voice.  
The bearded man had his snakeskin boots propped up on an old wooden fence that didn't belong in an aquarium. The sides of his walrus-like mustache hung around the sides of his lips like a pair of oversized socks. Those socks lifted slightly as the man smirked, tipping his hat.  
"Beef It's What's For Dinner Man!" Snuggle cried. "What are you doing here?"  
"`Name's Sam Elliott, and I'm busy thinking of new ways to serve beef to hungry families."  
"In an aquarium?"  
"Why not? No one says they can't put shrimp on top of a thick juicy steak. Just push aside that old salmon steak, because we all know what a real steak should be like..."  
"Um, okay."  
"So...Snuggle. You up for another ride this weekend? Just me and you on the back of a flaming pony from hell?"  
The bear paused, contemplating the events of the previous weekend.  
They had met at a graveyard. At night. Beef It's What's For Dinner Man had whistled, and a giant black horse had leapt out of a mausoleum, galloping to Beef It's What's For Dinner Man's side. Snuggle had whistled, and a giant ball composed of gravel, soda cans, old tires, beer bottles, cigarettes, fence posts, barbed wire, chicken bones, dirt, old boots, shoe trees, linoleum, dogs, small children, and the half naked ladies from the Sugar Creek Gentleman's club rolled up to him, framed with fancy motorcycle handlebars.  
Beef It's What's For Dinner Man hopped on his horse, and its head caught fire, changing into an equine skull with flaming eyes.  
Snuggle grabbed the handlebars of the ball.  
"Try to keep up, Snuggle," said Beef It's What's For Dinner Man. "I wouldn't want you to get lost and miss out on a juicy steak dinner." And then his head caught fire, transforming into a flaming skull.  
"Don't worry," Snuggle said, turning the handles on the ball. The ball let out a loud Harley Davidson rumble. "I won't."  
Beef It's What's For Dinner Man laughed and snapped the reigns.  
The horse's hooves turned to flame, and it galloped down the dirt road in front of the cemetery.  
Snuggle pulled back on his handlebars, and the ball burst into fire, propelling the little bear forward at illegal speeds.  
The ball zoomed onward, leaving a trail of flame and burning cigarettes, children and g-string bimbos in its wake, exactly like the car from Back to the Future.  
He caught up with Beef It's What's For Dinner Man's trail, a series of burning hoofprints in the gravel. An iguana, who happened to be lying on a rock near the road, fell over dead, blackened and crispy.  
Snuggle's eyes glowed red as the ball sped faster.  
He caught up with Beef It's What's For Dinner Man a few miles down the road, between Pepperidge Farm and the old Keebler Cookies and Ammunition Plant.  
Beef It's What's For Dinner Man tipped his hat and galloped through a desert filled with sagebrush. Snuggle sped up his flaming ball, moving alongside him.  
Beef It's What's For Dinner Man smiled and opened a saddlebag, taking out a thick juicy steak.  
Snuggle watched in astonishment as the man set the steak on the horse's head, simmering it on the supernatural flames. In seconds it was cooked, and he was garnishing it with butter and mushrooms and cilantro.  
He stared in disbelief as he was handed the steak on a plate with a fork and a knife and a sprig of parsley.  
"Um, thanks," said Snuggle. "But I'm driving."  
"Oh. Right." Beef It's What's For Dinner Man stopped his horse.  
Snuggle stopped next to him, taking the plate and silverware. While he ate, the man set up camp.  
Beef It's What's For Dinner Man cooked more food on his horse's flames, then they sat back, drinking coffee as they gazed at the stars.  
"I heard you rolled up all the Ninja Turtles characters into a giant ball," said Beef It's What's For Dinner Man.  
Snuggle nodded. "Father told me to."  
"I see."  
"So how have things been going with you, Beef It's What's For Dinner Man?"  
Beef It's What's For Dinner Man shrugged. "Could be better. My daughter ran away with some green guy. Do you think I overreacted when I tried to blow him up with a tank?"  
Snuggle furrowed his brow. "Maybe a little."  
"I guess you're right. I've been wanting to have a son-in-law fora while, and have everybody sit around a table for a hearty meal of prime sirloin, or, hamburgers, or possibly some robust barbecue brisket courtesy the Beef Farmers of America."  
The two were quiet after that.  
Snuggle blinked, realizing he'd just had a flashback.  
"So," said Beef It's What's For Dinner Man, staring at a manta ray through the aquarium porthole. "What you think? Friday?"  
Snuggle shrugged. "Maybe."  
He walked down the hallway, taking in all the aquatic exhibits, the manatee, the shark, the swordfish, the spatulafish, the snow crab, the $8.99 Red Lobster seafood crab and shrimp combo.  
"The whales are gone!" someone shouted.  
Snuggle hurried over to the exhibit.  
He saw a plaque describing whales, their lovemaking habits, their turn-ons (Mrs. Eeeeeeeoooumm liked long sunlit beachings on the walk, whatever that was) and examples of whale poetry, but the glass tank was indeed empty.  
"What happened?" said Snuggle.  
"I already said it once," a security guard growled. "The whales are gone."  
"But how did they disappear?"  
"If I knew that, I wouldn't be working security at this gay aquarium, now would I?"  
Snuggle stepped back, looking flustered. "No. I guess not."  
"It was this fat guy with a really bad toupee," said a fat woman in a dress that looked like the board for a Twister game. "And this long faced Jewish guy with pointy ears and a karate outfit."  
"I think they were both Jewish," said someone else. "I could tell by the yarmulkes."  
"Wasn't that the guy from all those Priceline commercials?" said a blonde girl in a Fanny Mountanum T-shirt.  
"Actually," said a Japanese guy with a camera. "It looked like the guy from Boston Legal." He pronounced the L like an R.  
"I tried to get an autograph," said a pimple faced teenager with black hair. "But all he did was give me this crappy book." He held up a copy of Tekwar.  
"Snuggle!" said a booming voice. "It's time for your next mission!"  
The bear and everyone in the aquarium looked around in bewilderment.  
"Father! Where are you?" Snuggle yelled.  
"Guess."  
Snuggle looked in the restroom. "Father?"  
"No! No, you idiot!" said the voice.  
Snuggle looked in the women's restroom. Nobody cared he was looking in there because no one could tell what the hell kind of sex he was anyway.  
"No! Not in there either! I'm in the tank! The tank!"  
Snuggle opened the toilet tank.  
"No! Get out of there! I'm in the aquarium!"  
"I'm in the aquarium and I don't see you!"  
"No! In the big tank in the aquarium! The one where all the whales disappeared from!"  
"Oh!" Snuggle stepped out, looking in the $8.99 Red Lobster Shrimp and Seafood Combo tank.  
"Hello! Whales! Empty tank?"  
Snuggle turned a bright pink. "Oh! Sorry, father!" He ran over to the empty tank, staring through the glass.  
A legless, armless, eyeless Mr. Potato Head hovered over the metal tank, glowing with an awe inspiring light.  
"Father!" Snuggle cried.  
"Snuggle." The spud bobbed up and down in the air. "It has been a long time."  
"Actually, it was just a week."  
"A long week," said the potato.  
"It wasn't that long. Really, it whipped by!"  
"Don't ever mention whipping to a potato!"  
Snuggle shuddered.  
"Listen, Snuggle. I have called you here for a mission."  
"Another one? Why? I already rolled up all the Ninja Turtles characters!"  
"My heavens are looking empty, Snuggle. I need you to add some color to them."  
Snuggle swallowed. "Do I have to?"  
"What do you mean `Do I have to'? Of course you do! You're my son! I can't have you hanging around with Beef It's What's For Dinner Man all the time. Snuggle, do you really want to hang upside down by your genitals in pig excrement for all eternity?"  
"But I don't have any genitals."  
"That's beside the point. I could turn you into a talking donut and dance around in a room full of fat people if I wanted to."  
"No! Father! Please don't! I love you!"  
"And I love you, son. That is why I am giving you this mission."  
"And what's the mission, father?"  
"One of those direct to video religious films."  
"So you want me to watch it?"  
"No!" A cloud of smoke and fire and pig excrement erupted around the spud exactly like the giant talking head in the Wizard of Oz.  
Mr. Potato Head coughed and hacked and the cloud dissipated. "Absolutely not! Listen. Snuggle, do you know what Star Trek is?"  
Snuggle shrugged. "Nope."  
"Are you sure?" Mr. Potato Head hummed part of the theme song.  
Snuggle just stared at him.  
Mr. Potato Head continued humming, but it started sounding like the Doctor Who theme song.  
"I still don't get it."  
Mr. Potato Head hummed the theme from Star Wars, which also sounded a bit like the Stargate song.  
"I think I've heard..." Snuggle frowned. "Never mind."  
"That's okay, Snuggle. I still want you on this mission. Your job, if you choose to accept it, is to boldly go where no man or no one has...scratch that. Your mission will be to seek out new life and...no, okay, okay. Forget it. Just find every Star Trek character and roll them in a giant ball. Roll up all their spaceships, too."  
"Um, that's a pretty tall order. I mean, spaceships are big!"  
"You rolled up the Technodrome, didn't you?"  
"Well, yeah...But what about gravitation? What about physics?"  
"Snuggle, Snuggle, Snuggle. Haven't you learned? Your adventures have very little to do with science. Or good taste. Or quality writing."  
"Oh."  
"Anyways, you know what to do. Rainbow beam!"  
A rainbow of light surrounded the bear, making his fuzzy body tingle, his hairs standing up on end. He floated up off the floor, then disappeared. The aquarium visitors clapped.  
Snuggle saw a flash, then he found himself standing in a red tunnel.  
Red pipes lined the walls, marked with green triangular emblems and incomprehensible writing.  
He padded down the metal grating that served as the floor, staring at his surroundings.  
Spherical hairballs were clustered everywhere, making odd purring noises as they blocked vents and access panels and just about everything else.  
Beep, beep.  
Snuggle looked around. "What's that?"  
Beep, beep.  
Snuggle found a metal thing lying on the ground. It looked like an old electric razor with a piece of automotive grille fastened to it. He picked it up, flipping open the cover. It made a chirping sound.  
"Greetings, Ensign Snuggle. This is your Captain Potato Head. Ensign, I order you to roll up everything in this ship, and the ship itself into a giant ball. Potato out."  
"But how?" Snuggle moaned.  
Mr. Potato Head did not respond.


End file.
